Diving Jokes

[Gambitt]

This man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
    She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
    "Ten years!" he says.
    She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

    Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
    He replies, "Ten years!"
    She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
    And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"

******************

When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go diving alone.

- If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. 
- If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. 
- If you meet a shark, your odds are 50-50, instead of 100%


How Many divers does it take to Circumsize a Bluye whale?

-4 Skin Divers.

[Gambitt]

Signs that your buddy is a Star Trek Character


10) He's the only one carrying Dilithium crystals in his dive bag.

9) You want to go diving to "see some neat fish and stuff" and he wants to "boldly go where no man has gone before."

8) His dive propulsion vehicle has a cloaking device.

7) He attempts to measure the "warp signature" of passing drift divers.

6) His second stage is mounted in his cheek and he keeps insisting "resistance is futile."

5) You flash the hand signal for OK and he flashes you the signal for "Live long and prosper."

4) He configures his dive computer to emit something called a "tacheon burst".

3) His buddy is wearing a red wetsuit, doesn't talk much, and mysteriously vanishes during the dive.

2) He spends his surface interval in a futile attempt to set his speargun to stun.

1) You can't tell the difference between his fins and his ears. 

[flopnfly]

Rules of Diving


* Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
* People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
* Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of patches they wear
* Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
* Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
* Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
* Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
* People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
* Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
* Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
* Buddies are never where you need them to be.
* You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
* 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't

One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
*Acid
*Marijuana
*Black Russians
*Prosaic
*Sleeping Pills

How to avoid shark attacks:
* Never Leave Kansas
* Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
* Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
* Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

You can spot divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Watch
* Says "Huh" alot
* Bad shocks and springs in car
* Scars from trigger fish bites
* Expertise on anti-histamines

You can spot old time divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Expensive Watch
* Old Jeep with bad shocks
* Log Book has volume number on cover
* Deaf in at least one ear
* Has multiple scars.
* Has cylinders older than you are
* Talks about making their first wet suit
* Dive gear is faded
* Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis

You can spot newbie divers by:
* Sunburned
* Timex Watch
* Nice car
* Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
* No diving related scars
* Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
* Equipment looks nice
* Perfect hearing